The Saloon Is Empty…

That part of the old westerns always made me sad…the drunken gunslinger, alone in the Long Branch, no one to keep him company but maybe a spraddled old whore, and a bartender polishing glasses, staying close to the sawed-off under the bar.

TGIF, eh? I’ve decisions to make, and things to do. My aforementioned computer is fucked…trust me, when you get a ‘BIOS ROM Checksum Error’ message on boot, and your PC cuts an electronic fart at you, you’re fucked. And you don’t even get a kiss.

I may assemble my new one tomorrow. I surely intend to, but lethargy lurks around every corner. I have offered to watch the nubbins while the wife goes to see ‘Troy’, tomorrow. I lost interest when I read that he is ‘hung like a hamster’…I haven’t told the wife.

Besides, I despise that fucking elf that’s his costar, and I only liked the other guy when he was green. Is it my imagination, or does a certain British actor keep being resurrected from the dead to play tottering heads of state? I thought he was exanimate. Oh well.

I’ve been offered $12,000 for three months of work, with a percentage of any realized profits that could make me 100 to 500K by Christmas. Dammit. I love my current job. I got to cut down a tree today, and drive a tractor. I spent the rest of the time solving computer problems. Bliss.

I can’t recall one time in my life, other than shooting pool, where I have done something for the money. Sigh. I pretty much have everything I want, except the 17 year old sex-crazed concubine that my wife should give me for my birthday. Sigh.

My current boss has taken in a stray. Psychiatrists would use fancy phrases to describe him, because they don’t get paid as much for writing ‘Fucking Nuts’ in the diagnosis. He has fairly mad computer skilz, but one part of his madness is a propensity to love all things Linux, and to fear and despise all things Bill Gates. Like I said, insane.

My diagnosis of him? Schizo-Affective, with a heapin helpin of paranoia, and maybe some autism from column C. Nice guy, but he makes me so nuts it has become fun to fuck with him…

“Dude, if you change my homepage from Google to ‘blank’ again, I’m gonna post your photo in a Microsoft chatroom!”

[random mutterings about Google and spyware]

“I mean it, I’ll make a virus and sign it with your name!”

Sigh. The lights flicker, and his eyes narrow with suspicion, and he peers at the screen like a robin sounding for a worm…I pounce…”Did you see that?”


“There…just for a second…I thought I saw someone looking through the screen at us…”

A few minutes later, the network goes down, and it takes me a half an hour to disable the three firewall demos he’s downloaded and activated.

A van pulls up from the power company…they are here to install a remote reader so the meter person can bill us by doing a drive-by from way down the road.

“Dude, I bet they’re from Ashcroft…putting some kinda Patriot Act shit on us to monitor our shit and stuff…”

His eyes narrow…for the next half an hour, he peers at them from between the blinds, and finally goes out to watch them and ask sly questions.

“Dude, I swear my fillings are transmitting some kind of radio chatter…”

His eyes widen in genuine terror…

“Ahhh, dammit, they’re back!”

…and he bolts.

Just doing my part…just doing my part…

If you’re 17, and really hot, call my wife for an appointment, and maybe you, too, can do my part..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: