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Die, Whoopie, Die!!!

Seeing Whoopie debut her new children’s show on Nickelodoen this morning caused the venerable Captain Kangaroo to drop over dead from shock and horror.

Sandra Bernhard, singing a duet with Whoopi called ‘The Macaroni Song’, done to the music of ‘The Macarena’, was more than Our Dear Captains bilge pump could take, and he dropped like a stone, blood spurting from his nostrils as those two whores continued their vapid ode to pasta, accompanied by AlGore’s favorite tune.

The sad part is, if I was single…and really drunk…and in a dark, smoky bar, I would probably bug Sandra for sex until she took me out to the car and blew me to shut me up….ohhh, those flaccid, pulsating lips…

Well, anyway, crap. The Cap’n is dead, long live The Cap’n. He was a major force in my early childhood. I know damn well he and Mr. Greenjeans were drunk as Lords, or high on the wacky weed more than once on that show. WAAAY too much giggling and grabass going on. And I still fear the possibility of a random shower of ping pong balls to this very day. The mere pokking of one ball on a pong table chills my blood…and I hate mooses.

Mr Rogers…The Captain…Miss Nancy…that would be Romper Room, you philistines. When they replaced my beloved Miss Nancy with Miss Sally, that was my first lesson in the fickle, duplicitous nature of women, and I never forgot it.

Well, I go to pour out a forty for my homey’s…memory lane is a twisted, treacherous passageway…

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