Another family-intensive Hallmark Day coming tomorrow. I will be out first thing to purchase a big bottle of liquor as a nerve tonic. My parents and my sister together in the same room with me and my long-suffering wife. And two sugared up little kids who want their presents right fucking now! but they can’t have them until Christmas morning because that is The Wife’s tradition, and nothing stands in the way of that.

Some loving person got my 6 year old a full size radio controlled car that I wouldn’t give a ten year old…some kind of rabid-ass sports car that I’m sure will go well with the front of the TV. With his toys, he knows two speeds…off, and “warp 6, Mr Sulu!” I may have to act the saboteur. I, being a genius, buy both kids each a little remote control car that can’t get stuck no matter what because it has wheels on all sides, and it is not going to break your frigging ankle if it hits you…then some yahoo spoils things by buying him a two foot long Ferrari that weighs as much as a fucking lawn mower. Ho fucking ho.

I shall secret little pints of bourbon all over the house for emergency refills. I have a back-up plan where I intend to retreat to my room and yell “Fuck Christmas!” anytime someone knocks on the door…enough bourbon, and I may fire warning shots through the top frame.

I hear the flu is big this time of year, why can’t I get it? That would be perfect, snug in my little bed with my barf bucket and my snot bag for Kleenex, chugging Nyquil as needed, until visions of giant sugar plums crushing elves to death dance in my head.

Pray for me. My anticipation of misery has my colon in knots, and I am really building up some Christmas Fudge…

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