It has been morbidly hot the last few days here in Oregon…103 or so. I need to sue the State for false advertising. Where is all that fog and rain when you need it?
I unscrewed the heat lamp from the fartsucker so only the fan runs when I flip the switch, then I get in the shower and take a hot one, then step out wet and stand in front of a fan. One of my window fans burned out yesterday so when I got out of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (go see it, it’s good) I parted the heat waves with the bow of my pickup as I went all over town looking for a new fan. I went to five major stores, including Home Depot, and they were all out. Amazing. Finally, I went into Target, and they had plenty…tells you how many folks shop at Target. If I owned stock in Target, I would have dumped it all yesterday.
I love it when my son calls from Iraq and I can bitch to him about the heat…”Oh fuck you!” he says from his 130 degree vantage point. “What?” I say to him, “S’cuse me son, I have to take a big gulp of this icy cold beer before I perish…”…he makes a strangling sound…
Bought the little one’s toy doctor kits when I got the fan, and they are a big hit. They are running around listening to each other’s hearts, taking their temperatures, and I am teaching them that drugs are candy by putting Smarties in their little pill bottles.
I love the syringes that came in the kit. You know those ‘magic’ baby bottles that refill with milk or juice? Imagine a toy syringe that does that trick with blood. You should have seen their faces when I pretended to stick it in my eye and drew out ‘blood’. At least I know they won’t just faint outright, now, though they did sway a little. How come you never have a camera when they make faces like that?
Yesterday, my little boy let out a little cry and proceeded to begin puking like a rainbird sprinkler, but with more gushing. My feet are getting spattered and I’m trying to get this little pukebird off the carpet and I struggle the front door open (fucking child-proof knob covers are a bitch when your hands are slick with spew) and I’m hollering for my wife to get inside and help and to watch out for the puke and she steps right in it and I yell “you dumb fucking mongoloid bitch!” and…oops, she had been talking to two of the neighbor ladies who were now looking at me all bug-eyed…I had to go apologize to them later, after I repented heavily to my sweetie. It’s just the high blood pressure talking, honey…honest.
You might find this surprising, but I can be an asshole sometimes.