I Just Now…

…had one of the proudest moments of my life.I had bought some cheap-ass cookies. You know the kind, the crisp creme wafers that come in white and pink and brown.

I was feeding my small children like they were baby goats at the petting zoo, and I munched one and gave my wife another, and, gourmand that she is, she began to inquire as to what was the ‘magic flavor’ that these cookies contain that makes you scarf the whole package and snuffle in the wrapper for crumbs.

Ever helpful, I opined that perhaps it was the “squeezings of the vaginal warts of the Prophet Mohamud’s wife”, whereupon she lurched quickly to the downstairs bathroom and vomited.

She is now sitting queazily on the couch as we speak, mopping her brow, and trying to hold back more gorge…boy is she pissed.

My other proud family moment was about six or seven years ago, when one of my now Marines was about thirteen or so.

I was joking around with one of his older brothers, while he was eating dinner by himself at the table, minding his own business.

I remember I said something about ‘giving an elderly woman head was like spreading open a grilled cheese sandwich’, and, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him puke up quietly onto his plate…boy was he mad.

I think I may have dislocated a couple of ribs, I laughed so hard.

I was in a theatre some years ago, staying on the barf theme, and it was a horror movie, and there was some pretty enthusiastic mayhem going on up on the screen. It was graphic, and ugly, and there was no music, and you could hear the cutting and the gargled groans and the splash of blood and viscera, and you could just feel the audience all tense and primed…

So, I mimicked a real grotesque vomit sound, all “bluuuurrrggghhh” and all, and some chick a few rows in front of me just lost it, hurking wildly, and you could hear the splash bigtime, and then some chick behind me blew chunks, and a real puke-fest ensued.

It was awesome.

I’m guessing I triggered at least five or six full glottal pukes, and goodness knows how many other saliva drooling private hurk-fests (“I will not puke…I will NOT puke”uuurrrrghghghg).

I rule.

Oh, and the secret flavor is just plain old citrus.

These cookies rule, too.

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